Ep. 92 - Teaching Kids How to Cope with Stress and Improve Their Mental Health (And Yours) with Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge

 
 

As we come out of the pandemic, we’re faced with a whole set of new challenges and issues, especially as parents. One of the major issues moving forward is in mental health. While we as parents are trying to navigate our own mental health, we’re also trying to help our kids thrive.

Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge is a mental health trailblazer, the founder of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health, author of the “Teletherapy Toolkit™” and It’s Gonna be OK!™ and the go-to media expert who is, “Changing the way we view and treat children’s mental health”. 

Her proven holistic therapies and techniques have helped thousands reverse the most challenging conditions from ADHD, anxiety, mood, Lyme, and PANS/PANDAS. She is often featured on dozens of media outlets: Fox, CBS, NBC, PARENTS, and New York Times.

Dr. Roseann is also the incredible mom of 2 boys, a 16-year old who was diagnosed with PANS and a 10-year old. 

As we come out of the pandemic, I think her work is so important to parents as we try to navigate the effects of the pandemic on the mental health of our children. 

In this episode, we chat about...

  • Her motherhood journey raising a special needs child

  • The secret to happy relationship, the importance of communication with your spouse

  • What is neurofeedback and holistic mental health?

  • How to teach your kids to cope with stress and regulate themselves

  • Staying firm with your boundaries in all aspects of your life

Resources

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Ep. 92 - Roseann Capanna-Hodge Transcipt

[00:00:00] Stephanie: Welcome back to mommy's on a call. Today I'm excited to bring to you a mental health trailblazer, Dr. Roseann Capanna Hodge. Dr. Roseanne is the founder of the global Institute of children's mental health author of the teletherapy toolkit. And it's going to be okay. And the go-to media expert who is changing the way we view and treat children's mental health, her proven holistic therapies and techniques have helped thousands reversed the most challenging conditions from ADHD, anxiety, mood, lime, and pans, and pandas.

And today as we come out of the pandemic, I think her work is so important to parents. As we try and navigate the effects of the pandemic on the mental health of our children. She's a mom of two boys, a 16 year old and ten-year-old and welcome Rosanne.

[00:01:38] Roseann: I'm so excited for this conversation. So I, you know, we're both moms, moms are listening and this is like a weird time in the world and the world is opening up and there's just so many things we can do to get back on track for ourselves in

[00:01:53] Stephanie: our.

I know our mental health is at stake, but also our kids. But before we get started, I wanted to ask, what is your biggest mom with

[00:02:02] Roseann: my biggest mom went to the week. I, I celebrate a lot of wins and let's think of, oh, I'm going to give you my mom when, for the day. So my youngest, John Carlo is, is an easy. Okay.

Um, you know, my other kid is not, you know, how they come out that way. And so he uncharacteristically woke up a little cranky and I know him, he likes structuring routine and he didn't have enough downtime before his tutor got there. And he. Dyslexic. And in the summertime we do tutoring four times a week.

So he's like, great. You know, I always say the Bruce banner comes out and he's like, why do I got a tutor four times a week? So today I could see the Hulk happening. So instead of, you know, what I did is I just brought on the humor and I just brought him in. He started tutoring. I was like, Hey, you can just leave your PJ's time.

You know? And I know the thing with him is that I just have to put food in his mouth. He's like a hangry kind of kid. So my win for the day was I got him in 20 minutes from, from almost hulking it back to Bruce banner. And he went with the tutor and it was. And I was able to get ready without being interrupted.

How about that?

[00:03:24] Stephanie: That's a good mom. When for sure. And where was your other kid? What was he doing?

[00:03:28] Roseann: I think he's 16. I mean, that's still be sleeping now. Two 30. You going to say,

[00:03:34] Stephanie: that's funny. And to give the audience a little bit of context, tell me about your family structure and also kind of work life structure.

[00:03:42] Roseann: Yeah. So I am married to Chris. He is my college sweetheart, and we we've been married 26 years and we have been together for 29 years and we used to club together in the nineties and we are, you know, both my kids are special needs and max has. Chronic Lyme. And then we realized it was pans and pans is when you have a sudden onset of a psychiatric problem due to infectious disease or a toxic trigger.

And it's been rough and it's been hard. And so we really are fun people. And so we really try to celebrate fun. So our family, you know, motto and the way we live is to celebrate. And max has brought many gifts into our lives because when your kid is behavioral, it means that people will reject you. And the majority of people have rejected us.

As cool as Dr. Rowe and Chris Hotjar and we, the MTV cribs pool and the bow and all those fun things, people treat you like you got the f'ing plague. And so I'm going to look at that as a gift because the people in my life are awesome. And I never have to worry about if they're really there because they love us or not.

They're totally in. So they're there. So, you know, our daily life is we because of max and our challenges, we really had to decide, or a lot of medical appointments for years and years and years maximum. But we had to structure our lives in a certain way. I had to work less. We'll talk about it when they were younger and my husband turned down at least 15 job promotions so that we could make sure that we were there for max.

And that actually I could grow my business because my husband is a very smart man. And he's like, Dr. Rowe can make a lot more money. Then I can make an aerospace and, and my husband is just that kind of, he's a real partner in a buddy and I'm, you know, you could get your barf bags ready. Cause when I say that, I love my husband.

You're afraid in the first 20 years to tell your friends how much you get along with your husband. But I really get along with my husband and we really laugh and we have a lot of fun and he still tells me the same jokes years ago.

[00:06:09] Stephanie: What do you think is the secret to that?

[00:06:12] Roseann: Playfulness. Yeah. And having sex.

How about

[00:06:15] Stephanie: that? I'll say

[00:06:16] Roseann: that's a good thing, but I actually say it's playfulness. It's really just not being so serious. Like, you know, listen, I'm really a business driven woman. I'm a second generation entrepreneur and I I'm a type A'er, you know, like type to the extreme. The first four months of the pandemic, I wrote four books and my husband and my boys make fun of me all day long.

Like it is not a good day if I don't get ragged on by my husband and my kids, you know what I mean? So they just keep it light and it just gives you a whole lot of perspective and it's, it's just really compatibility. Like we, we like a lot of the same things and my husband is also a 99%. Yes. Sounds great.

Buy the more expensive one, honey, you should take time off. And he's a 1% no. And he, when he says, no, like my son, John Carlo, it's a hell no, it's a hell freezes over no. And so I just know, you know, that's just what it is, but you really, I mean, here's the thing about any relationship, whether it's a love relationship or friendship, you have to have compatibility, you have to get along and, and you have to have good communication.

But I really say the superpower, our relationship is absolutely playfulness. Like we really have. And I mean, in the moment, I don't mean we plan fun things, even though work, we're going to make it with a bunch of our friends. Oh my God. I'm so excited. Our favorite all inclusive resort, which is great food and we're gluten-free, but I just think that's it.

And especially because things have been hard, like to see my kids suffer so much, you know, there's times when it's like, oh, you know, not to say that we even looked at each other. I've been like, you fucking suck, excuse my French. But you know, but for the most part, especially after year 20, I say that like after 20 years now, I feel comfortable telling my friends how long, well we get along because most people don't get along.

And I really think it's about mismatched expectations. You know what I mean? So like, we're recently decided I'm going to remodel a bathroom and my husband is one of those can do anything guys. Like he can do anything. So I was like, I'm going to save $20,000 and you're putting this damn bathroom and he was like, no, I'm not.

And I was like, oh yeah.

And we had this whole conversation about it. And I was like, I can't believe he's saying no to this because he told me I could replace the vanity. And then. Oh, we're going to change the closure. We're going to do this. We're going to do that.

[00:08:54] Stephanie: Any remodeling is like, it's just a snowball snowball.

[00:09:00] Roseann: So now we've been making fun of each other over these bathroom remodels and. Oh, it's going to be two remodels. I'm just telling you right now. So he's ragging on me and stuff like that. So it's, it's good. You've got to have fun people. Life is hard, like just the, in the moment. And if you're really angry at somebody, it's because there's, you're not communicating.

I mean, really that's what it is.

[00:09:25] Stephanie: I think that's such a good thing is effective communication, which is really hard for a lot of people. And it's also hard to, I guess, learn it or learn the proper tools and things, but I want to flash back 20 years. And you know, when you, when you actually not 20 years, maybe 16 years, when you first had your son. Yeah.

How did your relationship change? And once you found out he had some behavioral issues, you know, that fun life and what you were saying about people suddenly avoid you like the plague and stuff. That's hard on the parents and I'm sure there's parents out there who might be in that position and don't know how to navigate that.

Yeah. Any tips for that? Yeah.

[00:10:02] Roseann: I mean, so we had max 16 years ago, we put him in that damn seat and the three of us. Too, we call her action. Grammy just can't leave my mother-in-law out of this 74 years old rides, her bike, 50 miles, black diamond skis, boogie boards on Tuesday. And, and we go to Disney world.

She asks where the gym is later that night. I mean, she's out of control. We love her. We take her out every vacation. Cause then I could sit with her boyfriend and he, you know, And put suntan lotion on and talk, and then they, the Hodges all go crazy running around. It's good. And so we would sit and look at max and we just were so ridiculously, we were one of those couples when we have the baby, we were just like in the endorphin love phase, you know what I mean?

And my husband's like, what's that four kids? And I was like, oh, you know, So, so that was that. And then, you know, we quickly realized max was intense. He was really, really, you know, we was very clear. He's intellectually gifted from an early age. And I don't say that lightly, and I'm not trying to brag. It was a pain in the butt.

He, he needed a lot of stimulation and attention and had a lot of questions about everything. Cause he was picking up all these things that he wasn't supposed to be picking up. And then he was just normal with that. And so, you know, how did we navigate it? Well, at first, you know, you w what happened to max?

Just, just so you know, at 22 months he got Lyme disease. And we, we didn't know right away because it was December of 2006. And at the time we just weren't aware that you could get bitten by a tick in the Northeast, in the winter. And it was a mild winter and he had gotten a fever for 10 days and, you know, he's 22 months kids get it, you know, whatever.

And then he started changing and he stopped eating. And my kids are 99.999 percentile eaters. I mean, they, they mean they're Italian. So I mean, my 10 year old in his day was like, mom, you haven't made any grilled octopus in a while. I mean, come on, let's get some grilled octopus, I mean, what's going on?

You know, and these, this is, these are my kids. This is what they eat. They literally have never eaten off of the kids menu. Okay. They don't have that. They're like, oh, are you getting the Kobe beef? And I'm like, listen guys, you better get some, you better marry a woman with a lot of money or get a damn pee break.

This is a lot of money you're, you're eating. Right. And that's why we go to all inclusive resorts. They lose money when my kids go, okay. So they stay at my, the jerk chicken hot in Jamaica and they just like eat all the jerk chicken. It's so good. So he just like stopped eating and then, you know, lots of things started to happen.

A lot of things start to happen. So when something's going on with your kid, I mean, it's a stream, you were scared, you were asking for help. Now, I already had been involved with Lyme disease for 10 years and I was working, you know, only had been holistic. So I was working with a natural path and we were lucky enough that he actually got bitten by a second tech within, within like about six months.

So we knew he was bitten by that. And then he really deteriorated. So then it became clear. That's what he had. So I think the thing that is the greatest challenge in a relationship, an 80% of marriages with a child that if you have a travel special needs, 80% and a divorce. So it's even higher than the 60% people.

Right. During the tough times, you know, I think the thing that happened to Chris and I is we, we, we call ourselves team Hotch. I mean, we pulled together, so you're either going to be like, this is screw you. We're not, we're getting divorced. Are you going to pull together? And so we really became a team because we felt like we had a shield ourselves from people that had opinions.

And, you know, we started, we became. Even more, you know, we show how to do gluten free. And we, we had to do things like putting on antibiotics for two years and had to pay for it out of pocket because the doctor said that it was, it needed to be non generic and, you know, people like, what do you mean you're doing?

Like, and, and, you know, people would ask and they would be nice and they just didn't understand and stuff like that. And I think the greatest challenge was understanding that Max's behaviors were not purposely. And I understood that. And I think when you have an impulsive kid and you're, you're doing that, and I remember being like, why isn't Chris understanding me?

Why isn't he understanding me? And what I did is one of getting him, somebody else's audio book. And he listened to an audio book and he literally just like shifted. He needed to hear from somebody else. I mean, it's five people join like my parenting group and things like that because you just need to hear it.

Right. And so that was one of the best things that we, we ever did. And honestly, a lot of times, really, what do we conflict about is like, what's the right treatment for max because max will have flares. And so that means his behaviors will worsen and we've had really scary, scary episodes with him that I could go on and on and on.

And you're like, what? And people would say like, he needs to be in a hospital and he needs to be this. And you need to know all of this

[00:15:26] Stephanie: start with just the first

[00:15:27] Roseann: tick bite.

He changed so dramatically in the first tick bite, it was incredible. He literally stopped eating. And what did my pediatrician say? Oh, he's two years old.

That

[00:15:39] Stephanie: time I get to, I have a three-year-old now, but two year old was super picky. Yeah. But he didn't ever

[00:15:46] Roseann: do that in the

[00:15:47] Stephanie: trust, your mom

[00:15:48] Roseann: intuition and your mom thought on what, one of the greatest, I'm going to tell you. Somebody asked me yesterday, like what's the greatest difficulty my clients have trust trusting themselves.

And frankly trusting me as a provider that these solutions that I use work. Hello. I only do things that are science backed. I don't do anything. That's not science back. So. You know, that's really hard. And I think, you know, when you have a special needs kid, you really gotta have tight communication with your, with your spouse, your spouse, and in, you know, you're, you're doing things.

What did we do? I worked certain nights. I worked Saturday and Sunday all day. Right because you know, when you're a therapist and you're doing that, you could work all day, Saturday, and Sunday and make the same income that people work 40 hours during the week. So we were split shifting it, and we were very lucky.

We had supportive grandparents, right. We had a lot of one-time play dates with max where you would get together. You know, he's, he's the kid that was the pusher and throw the sand or whatever. I wasn't letting him be on his own. I was with him and, and supporting him and loving him. And, you know, people, people are really, we were shunned by the women at the bus stop.

And my, she, she poor poor neighborhood, you know, they would literally talk about getting together in front of me and not inviting.

[00:17:09] Stephanie: How do you protect yourself as a mom? Like, I, you know, our job here is we always feel like we need to protect our children and like, we don't want them to feel like that. But you as a mom, that's hard.

And I guess, do you have any things like tips that you use to like. Well, you know, I mean, I have lots of things. I

[00:17:27] Roseann: do a lot of things for self care. I think ultimately in the end I just became more careful about who I really brought into my world. And I started to do something probably about four years ago.

Is. Everybody wants to get together with me. And they would be like, let's all get together with our families. And I literally, this is what I say to people, Stephanie, this is a protective thing.

I would say, listen, I want you to know I have a kid with mental health problems and he's generally great. But if he's having an off day, he might tell his dad to F off and you've gotta be okay with that.

So let me tell you what 90% of the human beings do in the world, literally their body. Tells you exactly what their thought is. They stop the conversation. They give me a weird laugh. And that's over. Then 5% of the people like my buddy, Becky Wells said, this is fantastic because when my F year, my five-year-old tells me to F off, I'm going to feel better about it.

When are we getting together? You know what I mean?

[00:18:37] Stephanie: Yeah.

[00:18:38] Roseann: It's just brought like this amazing group of people in my life and it really has freed me. So I'm not going to lie there. There's definitely a hard. For that right in. I just stop trying to make max fit in it. Please know. He's really lovely. And most people, my girlfriend has two, my two sister friends, Jen and Marla they're sisters.

They have fragile X kids.

And we, we go on vacation together. We do stuff. And I remember Jen being like, I don't even notice max, like, you know, they have kids with like aids and stuff like that. And it's just so normal for that. So I stopped trying to be like, we have to, you know, max, please, you know, don't, you know, whatever.

And, and for example, he slowed a warmup initially. So he might just have his headphones in and not be talking to anybody. And maybe I would be worried about that before. So I had to let that go. Please know, like I'm a very open person, but you, you worry about so many things as a mother. And I don't think anybody tells you that whether your kid is typical or not.

And you know, Stephanie 54.2% of kids from ten-year-old data have a physical or a mental health from. So, this is a common thing they say in about 20 years, one in four kids will have auto.

[00:19:57] Stephanie: Wow. And then I was going to say post pandemic, I don't even know what the stats are going to be. If the stats

[00:20:04] Roseann: are people in person and virtually and all over the world, remotely, you know, doing, doing counseling and neurofeedback and it's all the same.

I mean, it's, it's kids are in a bad place. I mean, they're having a hard. I think you

[00:20:19] Stephanie: made some good points though, is in general whether or not you have a child

[00:20:23] Roseann: with special needs or whatnot, but setting

[00:20:25] Stephanie: boundaries as a mom, boundaries for yourself, boundaries for your children and know, and being firm with those boundaries and communicating.

I love that you set the stage up upfront. You're like, this is what you're going to get. My kid might tell his dad F off. And if you don't like that, then maybe that's not a good fit, but I felt for everything. The client that you want to work with, or, you know, a play date. I hear that all the time. And it's just, I think I love that the open honesty,

[00:20:52] Roseann: communication and boundaries, you know, I'm definitely a straight

[00:20:55] Stephanie: shooter community.

I was going to say, you found the people

[00:20:58] Roseann: who, you know, here's the deal and it's not like every one of my friends is a special needs. Mom. They're not. But, you know, you, you, we, we have to say to people, you have to be accepting, you know what I mean? And, and really be there for people like I'm, I'm, you know, not, I'm not just Italian, I'm an aquarium.

We are forever friends. We are the bury, the body friends. We are the loyalest friends ever. You I'm the friend that you call when you need anything. You know what I mean? And so I need that back too. And I think that's one of the things over time as you develop, right. And I've always been a good boundary setter and things like that, but you worry so much when you're, when you have a kid, because you're like, I want them to have friends.

I wanted to, you know, what, they only need one or two good friends. They really do. And so, and, and, you know, even just us, the Hodges were super holistic and, you know, we really have certain things really valued besides fun. Like we love travel. We haven't been traveling and we love really good food, like good, good food.

And so we need people to life love those things. And I don't want to hang out with you if you're eating Cheetos. You're not my people. You know,

[00:22:10] Stephanie: how did you get into this whole holistic side of mental health? Because I know it is a little bit different for some people, you know, a little bit about what like holistic mental health for kids is true, because I'm sure there are people who might not even be aware of that as an option.

[00:22:26] Roseann: Yeah. So somehow science back strategy. Have been labeled holistic and I'll talk about that, but I only use evidence-based approaches and they just happened to be natural states. Like 70% of psychiatric medications used with children are what's called off label.

And what does that mean? It means that there's not research to substantiate that it should be used for that issue. And yet somehow we're convinced that that's okay. And there's a lot of reasons why it's, because doctors don't have appropriate training and mental health and recommending the right thing. Cause if we recommended these things to parents, because when physicians I work with recommend them, the parents were like, oh, we never heard of neurofeedback, but how would I get involved?

First of all, I'm daughter of Italian immigrants. And so food was medicine. I already was a holistic oriented human being. And I, this is my 30th year in mental health. And when I was an undergraduate, you know, I started working with kids and I, and I started to see how dramatic little things that you did.

Could have an effect, like a life changing effect in a small amount of time, like spending time with kids, like giving them attention, how you spoke to them using positive language. And I was just like, wow. I only wanted to be a therapist, a psychologist. And I was like, I've got to work with kids. Kids are great.

Kids are easy. Kids are sponges and parents, they just want to be guided. Right? My whole platform is like solutions for, you know, stressed and struggling kids and families like, because that's where most people are. Right. And then as I was in the field and I was licensed and I was a therapist, you know, if I could make somebody better with the type of therapy, play therapy, very, very specific types of therapy.

What did you do? You would recommend medication cause that was your traditional training. And even though I had already was recommending nutrition supplements are ready 20 something years ago. Right. And then the kids I would work with every single one of them had a bad reaction. I never ever had a kid in those early days that had success and they would have cardiac problems, you know, psychosis like bad, bad stuff.

And I was like, why isn't anybody talking about this? So off I went to the microfiche in the library, Stephanie. Is that a long ago. And, and I was like, what's this neurofeedback what's what is this? The here's a specific type of supplement. Oh, we're not talking about that. And really that's just it. And I started using these things.

I went to the research and low and behold. My family's just started getting better. And people started to come to me from all over, like, you'd have people flying in and I'd be like, where did you hear for me? But like, I wasn't on social. I wasn't on anything. Like, and, and that was because people were desperate and nobody, when people are desperate, they started Googling.

And they start finding the same things that I found, you know, like, oh look, what is this neurofeedback? What is, what is your P for OCD? So

[00:25:43] Stephanie: what is neurofeedback?

[00:25:45] Roseann: Yeah. Okay. So neurofeedback, I'm going to geek out on you cause I love it. So there, there are ways that we can regulate our nervous system. And I believe that every clinical condition is a form of central nervous system dysregulation.

Right? So you're, you're inattentive. You don't have enough gas in your brain to power it up. Your, your system is under-stimulated, you're anxious. There's overactivity. Right? So, so it's about balancing out the nervous system. And I use tools beyond neurofeedback. I use PMF, I use biofeedback, but what is it?

So through the use of technology, You can regulate your brain. It is nothing comes to the wires. Totally safe, 50 years old, tens of thousands of research studies by 3000 plus peer reviewed studies, right? So higher level, and really simply hope to a computer. Your brain is getting it reinforced every single time.

It produces the exact. Combination, for example, with ADHD, exact combination that makes you focused your, your subconscious in two to three seconds. will automatically produce a focus combination of brainwaves and the computer will reinforce it. Most sessions are about 30 minutes. People are doing this two or three times a week, 40 or so sessions sometimes less, sometimes more, never less than 20 sessions.

And you're essentially teaching your brain, like building a muscle.

[00:27:11] Stephanie: Clearly rewiring the brain

[00:27:14] Roseann: rewind changes are lasting. We've researched as far as 10 years out, that shows that it's not only lasting of the brain continues to improve. So people, I help people actually reverse clinical issues and symptoms every day.

[00:27:27] Stephanie: And this is mainly in kids. You only pretty much work with kids, all

[00:27:31] Roseann: ages. I'm not going to lie. I love working with young young adults in down. They are open to change. They don't say to me, I don't know, is this going to work? No, they say, okay. Tax, where you say, it's going to work. I'm ready. Let's go. I can't wait.

You know, my anxious moms are like, oh my gosh, what's going on? You know, and you know, and I get it. I've been there. I don't mean to make light of something. That's. But when you decide to do something, please be all in. You know what I mean? I couldn't provide more research. I couldn't have more street cred.

You know what I mean? Like just, it's amazing. It's like an amazing, amazing thing, but I do take a multi-pronged approach. You know, my book is going to be okay. I really, really walk you through how these natural solutions work and give you step-by-step. And I talk about the eight pillars of reducing or reversing mental health.

So there's so much parents can do, and they often don't know until your kid is really struggling. So

[00:28:34] Stephanie: I was going to ask on that note, coming out of the pandemic, we're going to see a lot of mental health issues. How can besides your own mother's intuition, like tell your child is struggling? Like, are there any.

Signs or things or trends that you're seeing already that may be parents we can be aware of. And then if so, are there any like initial tips or techniques we can use before seeking professional help?

[00:28:58] Roseann: Yes. And yes. And yes. So before the pandemic, I was already worried January of 2020. I created the global Institute of children's mental health.

We know there's going to be some long-term effects. They have a great blog on my website. Long-term effects of the pandemic on mental health and

[00:29:14] Stephanie: in the show notes, I'll share with you. So there's,

[00:29:18] Roseann: there's lots of things that are pointing to that direction. So kids show us their difficulty. Stephanie, they are, it's going to show up in what's called somatic.

It doesn't matter if your kid is 27. Or your kid is too. So what if somatic, it's going to show up physically, they're going to have sleep problems. They're going to have belly. Gastrointestinal was one of the top ones. Okay. Sleep and gastrointestinal, they might have headaches. They might be clingy. You're going to look for changes in behaviors.

I mean, the scary part about mental health is that. We are missing the signs. So research says from the onset first signs of a mental health problem, on average, it takes a leaven years for a person to get help. Wow.

[00:30:04] Stephanie: How can we like differentiate these from like, so you were saying, for example, to grill, but picky eating versus not eating.

My kid has like stomach aches, but how do I know? That's not because he ate dairy versus, you know, oh my goodness. Is he having some added stress and like, You know, it's hard as a mom to understand. Cause you're trying to figure out all the things, do we, you know, what do we do?

[00:30:28] Roseann: You're going to put your detective hat on.

Okay. And so you're like, okay, he had dairy, he's got a stomach ache. Okay. He hasn't had dairy and I'm like, And I noticed every night, Sunday to Thursday, he's got a stomach ache. Well, he might have stress related to school. So you want to really kind of look at the picture and see, oh, he's not getting along with his siblings.

And he always did. Okay.

So then that becomes my next question. What do you do? Well, first of all, I lay it all out in my book. It's going to be okay. But you first have to put your oxygen mask on. Okay. So our kid. Are paying attention to what you do, not what you. So if you were showing stress in it, and I always say this, I don't mean to make you feel bad.

This is literally, I want this to be an aha moment. I want this to be a kick in your tokens for you to take care of yourself. Okay. So if you're highly stressed, your kid, not only. co- regulating off of that. Right. So how they regulate as a lot to do with how we're regulating and that's part of why we had to kick up our fun in our house.

Cause we had a kid that was always going to be a no before he was going to be. Yes. And he was crabby and his brothers always a yes. So you have to balance these things out, right? Plus it's hard to be mad when you're like. You know what I'm saying? So you'll still do what works for best, but I promise you, if you bring more playfulness into your life, you'll feel better, but you have to put that oxygen mask on.

Are you taking, are you doing breath work and you've you, are you doing yoga? What are you doing at least 10 minutes a day. And can you bring your child or children into that? These are practices. Really indoctrinated my kids too. I started my kids doing these things when they were one years old. And if your kid's 17, you can still do it at 17.

And so you have to get them to understand and connect to their body and value that you want to teach them to intentful. Regulate their nervous system. Get it down to this relaxed what's called parasympathetic state. And then they can think clearly they can make decisions. They might even be able to articulate some of the challenges.

And you want to have conversations about stress, how your managing it. I talked to my kids all the time, like, oh, that wasn't like somebody caught me off the other day. And I use like every form of the F word. And my little one really hates my swearing. Okay. And, and it's, uh, it's. I swear when I hire anybody, I'm like, listen, I swear you shouldn't work here.

If you don't like swearing and hello, it's legal in the state of Connecticut. And I've already checked with my employee, an attorney, and I've had people be like, I can't work here. And I'm like, well, you know what I mean? I'm like, well, good. I'm glad it's not going to work.

So I was like, that was pretty dumb to me to use every word. And he was like, You know, we had a conversation. He was like, you know, and I use it as a learning opportunity. Now, if I'm doing that every day, that's a problem. So he knows I don't really get mad too much. You know what I mean? So I was like, oh, you know, I was running around. I was late and you know, all that.

And it's a great learning opportunity for him because then if he does something today, like he tried to Hulk me. And I was able to bring him back to Bruce banner because we have these regular conversations and they're always great ways to help your kids coping. One of the biggest problems with kids today, they have zero stress tolerance and they don't know how to cope.

And so your kids may be showing signs of stress. And they can be temporary. They can be signs of a larger clinical issue. Please know if your kid you're like, oh my God, that's my kid. He's throwing up every night for, for preschool or, you know, before he goes to high school, you know, in the morning or whatever, you know, you gotta be worried about your kid and we shouldn't use grades as a benchmark of mental health.

It's one of the biggest problems we have today in America, you can be super, highly functional as an adult, as a kid. Have suicidal thoughts have anxiety have depression. So we need to look be a detective

[00:34:41] Stephanie: and look for those signs. So once you start seeing maybe some of these physical signs, how do you approach that conversation?

Do you

[00:34:50] Roseann: say it's a five-year-old

[00:34:51] Stephanie: or something? And you're like, oh dear. You know, you can't just get. I sit down and chat, you know? Or like you can't even ask them, like, how are you feeling? Or, you know, they don't understand how to communicate. Yeah. So

[00:35:03] Roseann: we use somatic therapy and our practice with our clients all over the world.

And so it's about connecting to your body. So one of the first things we do more stress. Right. It's a disconnect. And that's actually the worst thing you can do because you're shoving it down. You're avoiding it. It's just going to creep up. So when you have a five-year-old and you see they're stressed, I literally say, put your hand, touch the part in your body where you're feeling that icky or that uncomfortable, that stress.

And right away. I mean, I can ask a 57 year old boom, they touched the place. I had a kid the other day. They told me to touched the back of his knees. He goes, this can be really weird. I go, nothing's weird around here. And I was like, I've actually heard that before. And he's like, really? You have, he was so embarrassed.

And I just normally shows up in weird places for everybody. Don't worry about it, you know? And, and then you say, W like what number is five means? It's really big. Zero means it's nothing. What number on is it? And the kid might five and then it's like, okay, so it's in your chest for common one. Okay. Right here.

We're going to send a breath right to that spot. And you just teach them to do, what's called a belly breath and go on my YouTube and look up breath work, and you're going to get them to teach it. And then you're, you're going to do some type of belly breath, at least three times in a row. And then you're going to say what number idea.

And if they say five, Well, let's do it again, you know, and then you do it again. Nope. Everybody comes down at least one and you could keep going until you get to zero and say, wow, you did that. And just reinforce it. Do you know, Ooh again and get in the habit and the next day say, Hey, that was so great.

What's not great. And say, you know, so proud of you. Let's do it again today. Mommy needs it too. Cause sometimes things mommy's needed for sure. There's people that drive in front of me in the past and lane and try to keep the pace, like get out of here. That's my petty annoyance, anybody who knows me, knows I'm like,

[00:37:11] Stephanie: oh, you know, my husband knows not to call me in the car because I'm usually then yelling about like things going on around me.

He's like, you stress me out. So I never call you when you're driving, because all you do is then complain about what's going on and drivers, but. I wanted to ask you were talking about, you know, obviously putting your oxygen mask on first, what are things that you personally do in your daily life? What are those 10 minutes?

You know, what are your routines or self-care things that you do for yourself?

[00:37:37] Roseann: I a lot. I do

[00:37:39] Stephanie: go into it. I want to know what you do. First of all, I do

[00:37:42] Roseann: my breath work multiple times a day. Right. So I did it. I tried to do before I get out of. What time do you wake up? Yeah, when I wake up before, soon as I wake up.

Right. Cause my mind goes before my body, my mind is like all the time, you know what I mean? Oh, he's got the best idea. You know what I mean? Like my, my, my staff will be like, you sent us an email at four 12 and I'm like, well, I had a great idea. You know, what, what

[00:38:08] Stephanie: time do you get up in the more. Well,

[00:38:11] Roseann: I am coming off of a book launch, so I am not having consistent wake up time.

So I'm restructuring and I'm getting up a little bit earlier to do a weight, a bar class, or an exercise class, or do something every day before I get going. But I would say that I typically wake up at six. Does it mean I get out out of the bed? Before then, you know, like at that time, no, it sorta depends, but sometimes I wake up at five or four 30, so my body is just too much excitement going on with this book launch.

So I need to I'm intentfully working it. So breathwork regular exercise saying no to anything that I don't love. And I do. P E M AF or biofeedback every day, seven days a week, I've done hundreds of sessions in neurofeedback and then big things. I do that. I regularly add it. So a 90 minute massage. I do that every other week and it started with an injury and I was like, and then a magnesium bath, hot tub, those kinds of things. And then really just trying to be silly and laugh is really, really helpful. And really not to have spent time with people that I don't like, I think

is really important, especially as an empath, you know what I mean? Somebody who's very sensitive, so I think that's.

[00:39:42] Stephanie: Wow. So I guess I was like, I have so many more questions on mental health, but I think I will wrap this up.

I wanted to ask, what do you think is your mom's super power that you gained once you became a mom that makes you better in either parenting in business, whatever that is.

[00:39:59] Roseann: I think it's just having patience. Right. And, and, you know, your kids like your last year, I'm not saying you are last on the list, but you are last on the list and you know, if your kid's going to have a tantrum in the middle of the target, we'll talk, gnocchis, you're going to just have to deal with it.

You know, I think that if you have such an idea, like when I had my, when I was pregnant with max, I was like, my kids are going to Montessori and they're going to here. And the. Now, you know what I mean? Like, so I think it just humbles you and, and just really helps you to understand that, you know, I already was great at meeting kids where they were at, but certainly this has really helped me to really understand no matter where somebody's at, you've got to help them.

And I know that. You know, part of what I do, but certainly patience is a huge thing. And I have a lot of young staff now and just a lot of mentoring and patience and clear language. And, you know, I mean, things don't go the way you expect with kids, even if they're easy, right? Like some kids are just having easier temperament.

So I think that's probably my, I don't really get super stressed. I get stressed. Out or go out of their way to be disrespectful. You want to see me mad? It's when somebody is disrespectful, you have to sign three different places. When you work with me that you will be respectful to every staff member.

[00:41:26] Stephanie: I think I love that, you know, your value.

Yeah, I think that's like, one of the things I've seen throughout this is that you just like, you know what you want and you know, your values and you stick to it and it helps you create better boundaries. And I think we as moms and even women sometimes have a hard time outlining that becuase we do help everyone else, except for ourselves.

[00:41:47] Roseann: I, I met Oprah and saw her in 2000. I

[00:41:49] Stephanie: saw, I saw a photo of you two together or something.

[00:41:53] Roseann: She was speaking. And she was like, who's in their forties and fifties. And we were like, you know, and she's like, oh, you're finally learning to say no. You know, so I was inculturated to say no. So I love that. Finally, my friends, when they got into their forties, learned how to say that and, and no is just a healthy boundary.

That's it? I'm not saying you say no to everything. I clearly don't say no to everything, but I know myself and it's freeing to have, have boundaries. Like it's a non-negotiable I'm not going to work with a client who yells at the clinical staff or the office staff. It's just not going to happen. You're literally going to get kicked out.

And I made a grab for me that says, hang rude. I say, what can I do to help you? Because something's going on and I want to help you. And you're clearly anxious. And then usually there's some crying and it's good. And then I'm like, we can't have that anymore. And then it, and it will end. And then if it happens again, you're out.

Wow.

[00:42:52] Stephanie: And I think we were at the same place where no, it was just next opportunity. So it's like, you know, even though you're saying no, something better might come from it. And I think that's hard for us to say no, cause we think we're like, you know, closing off the doors or whatnot. So I love that. And I was like, great advice for the moms who are.

I kind of in the younger stages in terms of like raising young kids, is I love that, that you were like, yep. Women in my like forties, fifties, like saying no now, because I think when you're in your twenties and your thirties, you're trying to do it all and say yes to everything because you have the FOMO, you have whatever that is.

And so I think that's also just great advice for, you know, younger moms, entrepreneurs, whatever that might be.

[00:43:36] Roseann: And you're just going to not get conflicts with people, because you're going to be clear in your boundaries. Like it's really a lifesaver and I literally am a huge Go-Giver like, and, um, and known for being a Go-Giver.

So it's not like I'm not a giver, but you just have to say, sometimes people ask me to do things or, or, you know, I don't do anything I don't love anymore. I never did, but I really never do now. Like I'm like, no, And I think it's so important as a young mom, you know, kids, when you have a young kid, oh my gosh.

They take every bit of attention from you,

[00:44:11] Stephanie: energy.

[00:44:14] Roseann: You know, we never vacation without our kids. We don't leave our kids. We don't do any of that. I'm not criticizing. If you go on vacation, I'm blessing you. It's just not in our cards. And I think that when you just have those kinds of demands on you, it's hard, especially in this pandemic, like one of the moms who works here was like Roseann.

We couldn't even go to like the museums. I'm like, oh my God, you, I didn't even think about that. Like I was always at a museum. I was the mom who was like, we're getting this membership and we're going here, we're doing this. And I loved every minute of it, you know? So you, you got to have boundaries for yourself.

And, and trust me, I, every young woman that I mentor and work with, I teach them this. And I'm like, I'm going to teach you how to have a boundary. You're going to be so much better off for it. And you're going to be happy.

[00:45:04] Stephanie: I love that. So where can we find you online? You can find me physically, Dr. Roseanne, every word, D

[00:45:12] Roseann: R R O S E a N N.

And that's dot com. That's take tack that. YouTube

[00:45:18] Stephanie: that's Instagram. Dr. Rosanne. I love that. Well, thank you so much for joining today. I appreciate you taking your time out of your busy schedule.

[00:45:27] Roseann: Well, thank you for this conversation. I talked about things that I don't always talk about, and I just want, you know, wherever you are in your parenting journey is where you need to be.

And if you're struggling, you know, it's going to be okay. You just need to take one action and, and do it. And, and you'll, you know, it's all going to start with you and you've got to take care of it.

[00:45:47] Stephanie: I love that. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of mommy's on a call. Your support means the absolute world.

To me. You can find the show notes for this episode and other goodies over at mommy's on a call.com. And if you enjoyed this episode or have gotten value from the podcast, I would be so grateful if you could head on over to apple podcasts and leave a rating and review so that we can reach and empower more.

All over the world together. Thank you so much again, mommy pod, and I will see you here next time.

Mental & Emotional Health, Parenting, Physical Wellness, PodcastStephanie Uchima-CarneyComment